The Ease of Communication... and Ignoring It
February 20, 2007
Those who know me well don't even bother calling anymore. Those who don't know me, well, they never call. With the amazing advent of the Internets came the ease of using email and instant messaging services to communicate with (quasi) loved ones. (The exception comes with my extended family. I do not know most of them as they live in different states, countries, and continents—some with computers, some without. And even if there existed a single online computer in their homes there would still be a lovely barrier to keep them from contacting me, namely a small thing called language.)
A sour taste in my mouth transpires when I am forced to converse over the phone for an extended amount of time. Or, perhaps the sour taste stems from the Samuel Adams Boston Lager that I'm drinking. I've had better beer, but I digress. It's not so much that I dislike conversation—it's more that I dislike being forced to have a conversation for some undefined amount of time with someone who can hold neither a conversation nor my interest. There are a few people with which I can talk for hours on end about anything or nothing, heavily debated topics or lighthearted fart jokes. These are the people I enjoy talking to on the phone. Everyone else can kiss it and wait for me to talk to them face-to-face. Even then, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a rock that's staring me straight in the eye. It is at that time that we must start drinking until I can't see straight so that when we do engage in conversation, we both don't even care what each other says. Add a curse word, a chuckle, and a little bit of flying spit and everyone is content. Again, I digress.
The one mean of communication that I love more than anything else is instant messaging. It's no secret that I use my computer. A lot. And I use AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) a whole hell of a lot. If my friends aren't on AIM then good luck to them if they want to get a hold of me. Sure, I may be compelled to answer the phone if I see a familiar address book name pop on my phone's small LCD simply out of sheer amazement that someone needed to call me instead of type up a quick message. Are you too lazy to get on your damn computer, sign on to AIM, and hunt-and-peck a message (backspace ad infinitum) in order to communicate with me? The nerve!
In an interesting twist to my bizarre communication love triangle, email ranks down there with the telephone. It's just like voicemail, but there are a billion more grammar mistakes and no time limit to cut one off mid-rant. The reason I say it's like voicemail is because I check it, then delay my response until a new message comes, thus making said first response completely irrelevant and a clear indication of my unwillingness to reply in a timely manner.
In summary, if you really want to contact me you can follow these simple steps in order to ensure a constructive response, some of them contingent upon the step above or some other outside factor:
- Find me on AIM.
- Make sure your screenname is on my Buddy List or else you are blocked by default.
- Email me your AIM handle without needing any sort of reply.
- If you need a reply, attach a return receipt and accept it as my only response.
- I ignore most return receipts as well, so go back to Step 1.
- If those steps fail, you can email or call. Email is preferred. This step should basically say, "6. Email."
- In said email, make sure that all questions are neatly organized so that I can easily detect which ones to dignify with a response and which ones to completely ignore.
- If emailing fails, you may try calling.
- Make sure your phone number and name are saved in my address book or I will not pick up the call. To have me save your contact information, please refer back to Step 1.
- Leave a voice message.
- Within the first three words of said voice message, clearly state your name and how I know you if I don't know you well.
- Make sure you do not sound like a telemarketer or I will delete the message upon hearing word number four.
- It would be best if you start a message informally, such as "Hey!" because telemarketers don't say "hey."
- Better yet, simply pronounce my name correctly and you are automatically moved out of telemarketer status.
- If you need me to call back, ask me a question. Otherwise, please say something funny because I do very much enjoy a hearty laugh.
- If you do not ask a question, clearly say there words, "PLEASE CALL ME BACK OR I WILL DIE IN A FIERY PIT WHILE LISTENING TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH SING BRITNEY SPEARS SONGS." I will call back out of fear for your life. Or not, depending on how much I like you.
- If you are my current (or future) employer I will always call you back immediately. I may treat my friends like second class Martians, but I take work more seriously than Ted Kennedy loves a stiff drink and driving off bridges.