je n'ai pas le EFFING CORKSCREW
December 14, 2005
"i saw this wino; he was eating grapes. i said, 'dude, you have to wait.'" –mitch hedberg
after living without alcohol freely available in my home for a few months i've been in dire need of a relaxing night with a bottle of wine. after spending a couple of hours reading in a local bookstore i decided that tonight would be the night to stop by ye olde grocery store to pick up a bottle of cheap red wine (siraz-cabernet).
following a thwarted effort to turn left due to an invisible concrete median i rushed home with my newly acquired libation unscathed and salivating. upon entering my humble abode i stood in the kitchen thinking my, if i were a corkscrew where would i be? to my dismay i realized that after months of rummaging through the kitchen's drawers packed full of utensils never once had i encountered a corkscrew. beads of sweat began to form as i began to feel a slight onset of DTs. my heart started pounding as i frantically searched every drawer once, twice, three times. nothing. nada. rien.
i couldn't settle for not being able to enjoy my wine, no sir. time for make-shift-cork-remover-time to set into action, macgyver style. a screw! i thought to myself—after all, it is what a corkscrew takes after. nah, there has to be a better, craftier, much more ninja way. i turned to my trusty friend google to show me the path to enlightenment. i came across a forum with many other patrons who were desperate to open their respective wine bottles sans the proper bottle-opening equipment. people suggested a coat hanger, a tube of mascara and a platform heel to bang the cork down into the wine bottle (college girls...), hitting the bottom of the bottle to pop the cork out (which only results in a sore palm), and banging the bottle against a wall (which i was very near to doing out of frustration even if i wouldn't be able to keep any of the wine in the bottle).
finally i decided on the screw trick. i trotted down into the garage and grabbed two large, unused screws of different sizes and a pair of pliers. small screw number one: failed attempt. larger screw number two: failed attempt. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL. I JUST WANT FERMENTED GRAPE JUICE IN MY BELLY. no, NO, i had to keep trying. being my last-ditch effort i tried the larger screw one more time, this time placing it off center, and used the pliers to not pull it straight out the top, but for leverage from the neck of the wine bottle.
it started to budge and my face brightened. it was slowly rocking out, and when i got the cork half way out of the bottle i stopped involuntarily, tossed my head back, and giggled with so much glee i thought i went retarded. finally, i went primitive and grabbed the cork securely with the pliers and tugged, Tugged, TUGGED and twisted to sweet, sweet victory. oh, the joy of alcohol and the ridiculous things people do just to get it out of the bottle.
it certainly isn't the best wine i've consumed, but this is the most satisfying wine i've ever had.
2 comment(s)
« previous | list | next »comments
1. H. (aka NC_State_gal) said:
Freaking hilarious. I've never gone to those extremes to get a drop of alcohol. I think the most inventive things that I've done is pretty sophomoric...I've downed several shots of NYQUIL and been lulled to delirium.
12.15.05, 04:22 PM
2. teeves said:
never gone to those extremes? drinking nyquil in place of beer/wine/liquor seems pretty extreme, haha. i would MUCH rather lick wine off the floor of a men's bathroom than drink that stuff. maybe not, but you get the idea!
12.15.05, 08:30 PM
post a comment
comments closed