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December 18, 2005
my dearest santa,
how the heck are ya, you crazy son of a—
ahem, i meant to say hey there, big guy. i haven't written to you in a very long while, or ever (we don't need to get into specifics), but i don't really write to anyone these days. i think my friends aren't very happy with me for that. but hey, it's okay because i'm writing to you and that is all that matters. screw my friends. i hope you don't think i write to you only when i want something; that is hardly the case, and besides that i'm not in college anymore and you're not my father. i don't expect gifts from you, but i did want to share a list of items that would be nice to have in my possession whether or not they're labeled "from santa."
- world peace
- hah, no. i'm just yanking your chain, kringle. world peace would make television so boring.
- a car that has components that run properly. the coolant light comes on every 1.5 months and i can't find a visible leak. oh, and that darn rear speaker still doesn't work. could you tell the asshats at GM that i won't be purchasing another one of their vehicles?
- a new hair style. a bonus would be to have it cut by a professional as i've actually had my old roommate, mother, or myself cut it for the past two years. it sounds juvenile, but they do a decent job with a razor blade and, well, it's free.
- new jeans
- a horse. eff that pony business. i don't want to kill the damn thing in the first week.
- a puppy. i'm serious about this one.
- sex and the city dvds. i'm kind of embarrassed to admit to liking the show in front of my brothers, so i don't get a chance to watch it.
- a dvd drive so i can watch said dvds on my computer, in my room, alone.
- my own apartment/duplex/house. you're always watching, right? you see what i have to deal with everyday. i know you have pity.
- "my friend leonard" by james frey
- new shoes, preferably in brown because apparently i threw out all of my brown shoes when i moved a few months ago. it's a little difficult to wear certain things now without the proper footwear.
- case of good beer
- case of good wine
- corkscrew. for sure.
- pedicure. my fred flintstone feet need a little bit of pampering.
- calendar that has the correct dates for the month of october
- new contact lenses. i'm getting tired of wearing my glasses all the time. again.
- health insurance with vision coverage. i think this would help the contact lens situation.
- some chick flick movies. you know that i'm usually not a fan of the chick flicks (stop laughing, jolly red jerk), but sometimes when i have hopeless romantic self-pity moments i feel the need to watch one.
- victoria's secret gift certificate. i like skivvies almost as much as you do.
- moderately decent-looking boy that can kiss well
- one of those jack in the box (the restaurant) antenna heads/balls/things that has on a party hat. he's cool.
- the little egg in the zoloft commercials. i don't know why, but the depressed little blob makes me smile.
- flat panel monitor
- mouse that doesn't double-click when i only single-click
- ride on your sleigh
kris (can i call you kris?), please remember that i'm not asking you for anything. oh who the hell am i kidding. are you going to follow through with my list, or what? c'mooon. i'll pinch your rosy red cheeks if you do. ...and i don't mean the ones on your face. how's that for incentive?
with much love,
teeves
p.s. would you have one of your reindeer drop a deuce on the neighbor's house? preferably vixen—i think his fecal matter may be infused with a bit more spunk than the other guys'.
2 comment(s)
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1. weenie said:
one of my friends actually had two of those jack balls. he kept one for his own car and gave the other one to one of our friends as a joke. she spazzed out and threw it away because she thought it was creepy. :P
12.19.05, 02:33 AM
2. teeves said:
dag. you should have slapped her. how can a holiday ball be creepy? please dig through her trash and give the party jack to me. much appreciated.
12.19.05, 06:16 PM
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