like a ragdoll broken on the floor
September 27, 2005
A letter from one of my college roommates:
"Well, I have a lot happening right now.
My roommate [name] shot himself on Thursday night. His girlfriend [name] found him first and I was second because I woke up to her screaming and banging on my door for help.
I've gotten almost nothing done for school, but I'm finally sleeping again.
I'll be moving again. Several people at church have offered for me to move in with them.
I have prayed for peace and God has sent the Holy Spirit and my co-workers, people at church, and especially [boyfriend] to comfort me. The devil comes to "steal, kill, and destroy," and he did. He stole [roommate]'s hope, now he's dead, and everyone around him is destroyed.
It's horrible. I spent more time with [roommate] the two days before than I ever had. I had just hooked up the router in his room. He was your all-American guy. Happy-go-lucky, funny, respectful, nice. He was always out partying and having a good time. He just bought a new truck and was 'in love' with his girlfriend.
Everything in the Bible is absolutely clear.
God says to love Him above all else.
Next He says to love your neighbors as yourself.
These are the greatest commandments. You have to value the wonderful creation you are and that you were hand-picked before conception for a God's purpose in this world. If [roommate] had Christ in his heart or if he would've stopped for a second to think about anyone else...parents, only brother, [girlfriend]...he wouldn't have done it.
The Bible warns against anger, self-centeredness, and jealousy and all those were a factor in this. What a horrible way to realize what all that can really lead to.
It wasn't gory. Just blood dripping out of his nose. He looked like a ragdoll broken on the floor. No color or warmth, just gray and motionless. People don't realize how vulnerable they really are in depression and those that think they have control over their own lives. God is in control, or the devil, only you get to pick.
I don't want to upset people, but my way of dealing is to tell people. I was very lucky to have you for a roommate and I love you so much.
I pray for your father and that you will do well in whatever you chose to work at.
Love,
[signed]"
after receiving the letter last night i was very upset. upset that someone i care for and grew to love and respect had to go through something as powerful as this. my roommate is a very kind and understanding person, and she grew up in a very rural, very sheltered world. i hated that she had to experience something this brutal, but i am comforted in knowing that she is now dealing with it very well.
i took solace to hear that her faith holds her together through troublesome times, and that it is steadfast. i took solace in knowing that despite my lack of religious faith, she took and still takes the time to pray for me and my family at the end of the day.
when i read the latter part about vulnerability and depression and control i had to re-read it again and again and again. i felt like she was speaking directly at me, but i knew that she was referring mainly to her late roommate. i haven't spoken to her in almost two months so she doesn't know exactly what is going on in my own life, but as i read the last paragraph i felt her love and concern and hope around me.
i thought about telling her, but i didn't think this was the right time. i have come to terms with my situation and i am ready to move forward. i have accepted responsibility and understand why i do not want to ask for anymore help than i have received. i will not call it stubbornness or pride. i will call it acceptance.
i will tell her when i know that she herself is not vulnerable and her worries will not escalate. i know she will worry about and for me, and i know she will say her prayers at night. and if she takes comfort in praying for herself and for others, i will be happy to accept them from her. the only thing i could do is let her know that if she starts to have any types of trouble with sleeping or concentration or the like, she can call me and i will always pick up the phone. her phone calls bypass my screening process, that she has a direct line to me if she needs me.
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